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Below are the 13 most recent journal entries recorded in Chez's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, March 31st, 2004
11:36 pm
same old.
To you,
i hate the way u make everything out to be my fault,
so that its me that crawls on my knees for forgivness,
i hate the way u look at me,
with utter disgust and repulsion.
But in your own iriony tell me that u love me.

I hate it that we're never close,
but can be itimate without touching.
I hate it that i have to cry myself to sleep,
because being awake thinking of u is so lonley.
And then u turn and tell me of ure infactuation.

I hate the way u tease me,
asking me for my views and opinions making me feel needed,
and then disgaurd them without caring,
not thinking about how, ure breaking my heart.
Still u scream u love me.

I hate it that the only time u see me as beautiful,
is in ure smokey vision.
I hate it that i never know where u are,
ghosts of the past and paranoia, crush my chest,choking me.
Still u bruise me with ure stange kind of love.

I dont want a flase u,
i want u to watch me sleep,smother me in kisses without reason,
pull me close when the wind is so harsh,gasp my hand,
when im scared, tierd, crying or for just no reason at all.
I want u to touch me so tenderly,without brushing even slightly on my skin.

Current Mood: creative
Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004
12:26 am
wheres my teed gone? has she forgotten aboot me?
Tuesday, February 17th, 2004
12:02 pm

P.s teed smells like an old person with bladder weakness.

Current Mood: ditzy
Sunday, January 25th, 2004
12:01 am
and me i guess...

Current Mood: bored
Saturday, January 24th, 2004
5:36 pm
i was waiting for you,
waiting for all my life,
Another vicious, cheap thrill for us,
Is a angery lifetime for them.

But whenever im alone with you,
The stars fall through the barrier,
And build our sky,
No matter how dark it gets.

Soon the sky falls,
As you spit at me,
And crush me into myself,
Push me back into the corner,
And take the light.

Now im just crying for you,
ive cried for all this time.
Im dancing in your line of fire,
Just to cure this chill of ure absence.

Current Mood: drained
Tuesday, January 13th, 2004
2:37 pm
i just wonna look at you
long time no type, due to the brokeness of my computer.
ok so things are a little skrewed at the mofo.
but i have come to the decision, me and sked have decided to give it another go, but perhaps not in such a serious way as it was before. altho it might be a bit difficult to not spend all my time with him because i love him so much,
never realised how supportive he can be till recently, and suprising patient wich unusual,because hes a stubbon cunt.
the only problem now is jamie. im going into town to break up with him in a bit,im not sure wat im gonna say. but there wuld b no point in being in a realationship with someone i dont wonna be with, expecially when my guy is waiting for me.
p.s rock on teeds birthday!

Current Mood: grateful
Saturday, August 9th, 2003
8:33 pm
fresh clean slate
me and sked decided to make a fresh start. no more reminders of the past for either of us, and to take it each day one at a time. wich im thrilled abou, not really much more i wrote a poem.

To sked

I couldn’t cast u out,
Especially when I most needed too,
You’re malicious kisses,
Dripping with repulsion,
Intoxicated me,
And continued to smoulder my lips.

Glass after shattered vision,
Then the drink that followed after,
Drew me back in you’re arms,
Only to collide with reality,
A ruthless realism,
I was grasping a memory.

Music I tried to drown tears in,
Was far too shallow,
To even trickle upon my skin,
And propose any kind of requiem.
So I lay beneath it,
Underneath the ruin,
Clenched around you’re ghost.

No longer are you my phantom,
Only my realism,
Everyday, u rescue me from the rubble,
Close my sight to all the broken pieces,
And as each nightmare awakens our sleep,
You malicious kiss once again,
Wakes my slumber.

thats about all folks. fuck me its hot in this room.

Current Mood: bouncy
Wednesday, July 16th, 2003
2:17 pm
sorry teed butthat isnt fair, if u had rang me as much as u say u have then u wulda caught me, because we spend far muh more time at mine than skeds. my fone hasnt been off its broken and i cant fix it. wen we are in deeping sked always goes out to see his buddies, everytime, so no he hasnt abandoned them.maybe he isnt with them as much as he used to be, but neither is jamie. its not my fault how much u see jamie, maybe if u told ure mum about him like ive been suggesting he could go to ure house. wheather or not uve already asked her or not and shes said no i dont know but she was fine withtwo internet people coming round and staying wasnt she. i dont see sked far too much i see him because i can and i want to. it isnt the lack of seing u wich pisses me off teed its en i do see u, u either take the piss or mke me feel small and underneath u. and nobody likes that. wich is why months ago wen u and jamie asked us to come out we made up excuses because we didnt want to be taken the piss out of, u perhaps didnt realize wat u did or count all the snide remarks but they were there. wat about ure other friends? not just me, they miss u just as much, are u gonnablame them too? are u going to say that theyve abandoned u too? because they havn rang u or havnt been in wen uve called? or hang around with their boyfs too much? no i bet u wont. i havnt abandoned them i see them upto twice a week. i make that effort, and yeah maybe sked does come with me but thats only because he wants to see them aswell. u said u wanted to tell me about ure mum in private,so why did u post it on the internet? i have given up ringing u because u never answer either. i rang u so many times that day i was in town with cat and boov and u didnt answer any of them. theres so much more i need to say but i cant be arsed to type it.

Current Mood: cold
Tuesday, July 15th, 2003
3:14 pm
ted, the only reason im with sked alot is because theres no one else to be around with, im not saying that i dont enjoy it but its not like im choosing him over being near u, i just havnt had the oportunity. dont get angery with my, im really sorry about ure mum and if u had told me i would of been there like a shot and u know it, but u didnt tell me and u didnt give me a chance to be a friend. i admit it is my fault but wen i have rang u all do is make polite chit chat. the reaosn i didnt see kris wasnt because i didnt bother, i was in great yarmouth with mum and i tried to get out of it but i couldnt because shed had it planned for ages and i didnt want to upset her. why should sked make the effort with jamie? why shuldnt he? sked is just as upset about loosing jamie as i am you. sept he just pretend to not notice. if u wuld just tell me the time and place u know id be there.

Current Mood: blah
Thursday, July 10th, 2003
2:06 pm
im getting pretty sick and tierd of all this bullshit.
i really really miss teed, and ive tried to explain to alot of people that i feel disowned but they just say, uve probably disowned her just as much,mayeb i have. i cant remember the last time it was just me and her. its like we were completly differnt people, i seriously never thought things would change so dramaticly wen we left skool. and i wuld give anything just to be able to predict wat she was about to say because id been with her so much i new everything she was thinking.Or wen we used to say things in unison. i sound like a lesbian. but the point is, ive lost alot of friends in my life, alot, jess, ant,matty,...ashley i guess, but i never thought id loose teedah. and wats most painful is that she doesnt even appear to notice weather im around or not, aslong as jamie is near. and dont get me wrong hes a great guy, but he has definatly replaced me. and sometimes i catch myself wishing they wernt together anymore just so i could get my teed back. we always promised ourselves that our friendship would never get forgotten by boyfriends,as she casually wiped her makeup off on tissue id just blown my nose with, and if i had to she knows that i would choose her over any guy.even sked. and im sorry about that sked but u dont understand our kind of friendship, or wat we used to have.
now im just forgotten.

Current Mood: crushed
Wednesday, July 2nd, 2003
6:58 pm
er not a whole lot to report, sept that the decision has been made, im going on a diet. and teed u best be looking after mr sheepy well, feed him oats and foliage, keep him regular man.
i have a tummy ache and need to pop sum more of those sweet sweet nurofen. been on sked drum kit pretty much all day and now i rock at drums. slight exaggeration but have got better than ever thought i was capable. i really dont have alot to say, sept that im getting moaned at to geta job, had my first lecture yesterday so going to have to go into connections or the job centre soonish. grr,
oh well least then will have money. well intend to get incredibly drunk on friday and boogie my behind off like the amazing trooper i am. not sure wat was up with ant wen i spoke to him the other day but he was really off with me and i dont understand why. but sorry to him if i pissed him off in anway. trying to play a song ut its being sucky and wont play,dangblast.
anyways thats aboot it, peace out compadros. xx

Current Mood: accomplished
Sunday, June 29th, 2003
11:18 pm
fuckin downloads.
ok i started downloading around 8 ish and because my computer is unbelievably cack ive only managed to get 4 songs in over three hours!*slaps slap* not alot to report today, woke up at like one, rolled about in bed with sked for an hour or so before i sent him runing down the shop for ciggi's whilist i jumped into zee shower wich apparantly hates me because always attacks me with hot blasts of water dammit, ate bacon and wheatos and then left to get the 4 bus. got it. for once. went round my dads for a bit, came home cooked loads of food wich i didnt eat for some daft reason.just wasnt hungery as i initially thought.addicted to karls chocolate milk he has stashed in the fridge, then cleaned my room,moved it around a bit, but now i have given up. and am very cross grrr. on a good note tho whilist groping around in the dank depths of my room found a pack of cigarettes with four innit! yay! yay for my fund for nicotene. ahh balls cant spell. brother is gasing me out with polish because he cant be arsed to find the air freshener. wat if my skin becomes a polished oak surface? and my limbs and joints into shelves and skrews? i took that too far. but still, find the appropriate substance to gas me out with if u must. oo long entry.ok starting to get more board.it is not good.oooo need to ring teed. dammit downloading have to ring her 2moro. ooohh the life of a bum with no responsibilitys is amazing. i miss my baby however. dam him straight to hell :p
Saturday, June 28th, 2003
7:00 pm
the distance in ure eyes
well, here i am with my new diary, im afraid i wa dawn into the craze of the livejournal people.
my diary will most probably suck, it will be depressing or utter bullshit. either way
U HAVE TO READ IT. or ill kneecap you.
im not sure about wat to write in my first entry, it shuld be inspired and meaningful, but i cant think of any inspiration or any meaning really.
This rem song is really great, but i cant stop playing it,wich make me feel like a sad looser beacuse the song is a sad on.
not really alot to report today, i havent really done an exceptional lot. didnt get out of bed till around four,showerd (reviting isnt it?)ate and came on computer, spent like an hour with sked trying to figure out how to shrink the image i made. oo play the song again. yay the most beautiful amazing guy in the world made me pizza.
ever get that amazing bliss of happiness? i get that every morning, latley and every evening before i sleep. it rocks.

Current Mood: giddy
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